REPORT: Ben Johnson Eyes Cowboys Coaching Job Over The Bears
When you have to choose between a bright future and endless dysfunction, the choice is obvious.
BLOGCOACHINGSATIRE


Breaking News: Ben Johnson, the offensive mastermind behind the Detroit Lions’ resurgence, might actually choose to become the next head coach of the Dallas Cowboys instead of the Chicago Bears. Shocking, right? Well, not really.
Let’s break it down. On one side, you’ve got the Cowboys: a franchise with actual playoff potential, a stacked roster, and an owner who, while overly involved, at least cares about winning. On the other, you’ve got the Bears—a team still trying to figure out what the forward pass is and how to stop breaking first-round quarterbacks.
Sure, Jerry Jones might be NFL royalty with a flair for drama, but at least his drama comes with playoff appearances and actual relevance. The Bears? They’re stuck in a loop of mediocrity, hiring “safe” coaches and boasting a front office that thinks 1985 football still works in 2025.
If you were Ben Johnson, would you pick a team that’s ready to win now or a franchise that’s still trying to rebuild its rebuild? Exactly.
Why the Cowboys Appeal to Ben Johnson
If you’re Ben Johnson, the choice between the Cowboys and Bears is laughably obvious.
Let’s start with the roster. The Cowboys boast Micah Parsons, a human wrecking ball on defense, CeeDee Lamb, one of the league’s best young receivers, and an offensive line that knows how to keep a quarterback upright. Meanwhile, the Bears are still trying to figure out how to snap the ball correctly without making it a sack drill for Caleb Williams.
Then there’s organizational stability—and yes, I’m saying this with a straight face. Even with Jerry Jones micromanaging everything from play-calling to Gatorade flavors, the Cowboys still manage to stay competitive. Compare that to George McCaskey, who can’t decide if he’s running a football team or a family book club.
And let’s not forget the win-now potential. The Cowboys are perennial playoff contenders (even if they can’t get past the divisional round). The Bears? They’re rebuilding their rebuild and might be one draft away from drafting another rebuild.
Oh, and the weather? Coaching the Cowboys means no freezing your soul off on the sidelines of Soldier Field. If Ben Johnson has any sense, he’s packing for Dallas already.
The Bears Can’t Ever Have Nice Things
Shocking news, right? Ben Johnson choosing the Dallas Cowboys over the Chicago Bears? Who could’ve seen this coming? After all, the Bears are a premium franchise—if your idea of premium is decades of losing, outdated football philosophies, and a GM with a knack for 4-win seasons.
Unless Johnson has a fetish for failure, he’s better off in Dallas. Sure, Jerry Jones might hover over every decision, but at least his meddling comes with a roster that can win games now. Meanwhile, in Chicago, Johnson would be tasked with rebuilding a rebuild while dodging the Bears’ curse on quarterbacks.
Coaching the Cowboys might be chaos, but at least it’s organized chaos. The Bears? Just chaos.